'I've heard all but good things about you': 30+ Smarty pants who had the most clever comebacks

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    Cheezburger Image 10379577088
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    What is the funniest smart- comment you've ever heard?
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    chris_cobra Dad: "What's the passcode to your iphone?" Mom: "The year I was born." Dad: "I don't see a B.C. anywhere."
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    dljens It was an accident, but my friend fl up a standard greeting when he met his girlfriend's coworker and said "Oh, hi! I've heard all but good things about you!" She didn't notice. I've been dying to use this ever since.
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    "You have a nice day at school Thomas!" "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO MOM"
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    [deleted] Every so often, people at my university chalk up the concourse to advertise upcoming events. Since this is against the university code to write on the concourse everyone does it late at night. The city police normally run a couple of bike cops, who tend to be do 5, through campus to make sure every thing is kept neat and tidy.
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    A friend of mine was writing on the concourse one night and got caught by a couple of bike cops. They stopped him and one of them asked him "What are you doing out here with side- walk chalk? Does mommy not trust you with paint?" to which my friend replied, "What are you doing on bikes? Does your chief not trust you with a car?"
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    kismetjeska I can't find it now, but there's a Reddit comment thread somewhere with a blind guy speaking about his computer set-up. Someone says 'I'd love to see your keyboard' and he just replies 'so would I.' LL F stunning. Edit: blessed be the people more skilled with search functions than I. Thanks, Harold76.
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    hotshot413w In high school English class we were doing a quick play-acting summary of Oedipus. We chose a a few people to play Oedipus, his mom, and some other characters. One of the other characters was played by a normally very reserved and quiet dude. The teacher says OK, start! He immediately turns to Oedipus and says: "You motherf Dude didn't even get in trouble it was so funny.
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    speedkore mean but unintentionally smart- funny. Mr Hyrka was a grumpy art teacher in my junior high that had a wooden leg. One day this Russian student Igor who spoke very broken English was telling a story about how he'd spent hours the night before working on his painting, only to have his younger sister finger paint over it while he was away, so he didn't have it. Mr Hyrka said "You're pulling my leg Igor." He paused for a second, and said "Oh no I wouldn't do that Mr Hyrka... it would fall
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    MrMonkfred ⚫ Mom: How do you kids get through so much toilet paper? What are you eating?! Brother: Toilet paper.
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    Vendrasha "You know, you look better without your glasses on" "Yeah, you look better without my glasses on, too"
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    misterbob13 My grandma came back from the beauty parlor. My grandpa said "I thought you were going to the beauty parlor"
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    C [deleted] Sometimes I like to tell people "I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are" and then watch their face as they reason through whether I'm giving them a compliment or insulting them.
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    C [deleted] Guy in Jack in the Box: the police." Random bystander: "Yeah man, Sting's solo work is way better."
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    MakeItSo7 Brother was being an Mom called him as a son of a . He replied "Can't argue with you there." It took a few seconds, but Mom got piiiiiiied.
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    MindFixer I used to work at an ice cream shop, and a guy ordered two sundaes: one was vanilla with chocolate syrup, and another was coconut with hot fudge. I gave him his sundaes, rang him up, and he roared back, "you didn't mark these, how do I know which one is hot fudge?!", and I just replied, "the one that's hot"...my boss died on the floor laughing because of my nonchalantness
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    astaldotholwen Oh last year I was working as a teacher in our preschool classroom and this little boy is telling a story (of which I can't entirely remember but wasn't altogether daycare appropriate) and my co-teacher says, "EXCUSE ME?!?" and the little boy replies, "Excuse me! Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?" To this day it still makes me laugh!
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    ZenRage Angry Security Guard: "Are you getting smart with me?" My friend: "As if you'd know."
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    SpyderCompany A science teacher asked "ok class now name any form of contraceptive you know" and the first answer was "crocs." Safe to say it was the best joke I've heard in a while
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    hippyslayer The reply of Messi to Ronaldo's comments: Ronaldo told the media that he was sent by the God of football (soccer that is) to teach people how to play. After being hassled by the Press Messi immediately replies, "I don't remember sending him." To this day in the debate as to who is the current greatest footballer I bring up this line.
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    Screaming_Emu Was standing in line at a subway in college. Girl making the sammiches was slow as he because she was busy talking to everyone. She was bragging about how to work at subway you're not just a worker but a "sandwich artist." They have to demonstrate how they can make a sandwich for someone in 30 seconds (or something like that.) So from the back of the line someone yells "well then f do it!" She was embarrassed.
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    str8faced333 In grade school, we were at lunch and the sun was blaring through some windows into my friends face. He gets up to fix the blinds so he could see. The principal sees him and walks up and ask him what he is doing. He says, "I thought I would adjust the blinds so I could see better." The principal goes on to yell at him and tell not to fix the blinds they are very expensive. Then proceeds to tell next time don't think. I being a smart as replied, "Yeah Andy, how dare you think at scho
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    C [deleted] Someone says to a guy in a wheelchair in a very sympathetic voice, "Do you need a hand?" The guy in the wheelchair says, "No, but I could use a pair of working legs!"
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    ILL_Show_Myself_Out. Guy on park bench: Run, Forrest, run! Jogger: SIT, FAT AS, SIT!
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    Onfortuneswheel. I've told this story before: I asked a very tall guy (he was 6'11) if he played basketball. He asked me if I played miniature golf.
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    PerfectLengthUserNam⚫ My uncle is one of the biggest know-it-all smart- s I know. When my dad got new glasses, my uncle told him "they're nice, but they make you look kind of like a smart-a I replied "what, you don't like the competition?" It was hilarious to see him trying to hide how off that made him.
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    thatoneguy1243 My girlfriend was introduced by her boss to a colleague. The colleague said "I hear you can walk on water." My GF: "Only if its cold enough."
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    [deleted] A few years ago I was out with a friend and we were enjoying ourselves except for this one drunk guy who wouldn't leave us alone. Interrupting conversations, being too touchy, etc just being obnoxious and it was just obvious we were not interested but he wasn't taking the hint.
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    We think he's finally gone and my friend goes to light up her cigarette and he appears out of nowhere, like a godd magician and holds a lighter up to her face (in an effort to light a cigarette that wasn't there yet) and he says: "Bond, James Bond". Cool as an arctic cucumber my friend just lit her cigarette, took a drag and said "off, off". To this day I've never seem anything cooler.
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    ayriana "Nothing but net!" during a volleyball game that was played by very untalented people.
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    PersonFromInternets. English teacher explaining to class how double-negative statements form a positive statement and goes on to say that while two negatives make a positive, two positives can never make a negative. Student at the back of the class immediately responds, "Yeah, right".
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    Berg426 A guy in my platoon was having a birthday at his house and all the guys came over. I had to leave early to go over to a lady friend's house and my Platoon Sergeant yells over to me "Berg426 where you going? I know you ain't got no date tonight!" Without missing a beat I say "Is that because your wife is here tonight, Sergeant?" He's now my first sergeant. Haha
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    nibsly83 At Phillies game during the 7th inning stretch. Got a dog and brew, so I was at the condiment table getting some mustard. Standing next to me is a guy with a pulled pork sandwhich. Enter drunk dude: Drunk: "Man, that sloppy joe looks soooo good." Guy: "It's pulled pork you uncultured Said it so nonchalantly and just walked away.

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